Her jokes
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My ex-wife still misses me...
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Yo momma so fat, her belt size is E for Equator.
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
An emo girl walks up to a tree to give it a high five... the tree left her hanging.
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?
A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.
You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.
Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."