Health jokes
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!
My cousin is a surgeon.
Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.
In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.
Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.
A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.
A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?
Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?
A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.
Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?
A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.
I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.
Why do hospitals have air conditioning?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?
Air quality alert code brown!