Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?
The cabbage patch.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.
Scientists say a banana a day is great for the colon.
But you gotta eat it!
Which is more disabling, autism, ADHD, or Down syndrome?
Which of these is the smartest; also, list them too: Is it autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?
Which one gets bullied the most, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?
Hello, which do y'all think is more embarrassing to have, is it autism or Down syndrome?
What does Cangaball do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
Why did the booty go to therapy?
It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
What do you call a javelin thrower with Parkinson’s?
Shakespeare.
Why did the pirate go to the gym?
To improve his booty strength!
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!
So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.
So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
