Have jokes
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
Yeah, Asians have squinty eyes, but that's because they have had the displeasure of seeing so many ugly obese Americans in one place.
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby, we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."
What were the terrorist of 9/11 thinking?
We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we'll have to go through it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.
They say I'll mess up my insides, but I don't have any.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
"You have a great singer inside you."
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.