Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
My Xbox has been acting up lately...
So I painted it black to make it run faster
Chuck Norris has been to Mars...that's why there is no signs of life there.
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck? I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me "Yeah I can read braille". So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read "Screw you, asshole"
I got a orphan a Iphone 6 I told him to press the home button he has been doing it all day
me: brings in missing child police: omg this kid has been missing for 3 months. here is your reward me: oh, cool
NEXT DAY
me: brings in 8 other kids
police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been rumored that Disney is developing a movie based on suicide. The title? Finding emo.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded, what is the first thing you do? Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!
Your move, Ron DeSantis.
How do you know when a football player has been to jail? When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself" He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
What did the bee say after the execution - the criminal has been beeheaded
I don’t get why Katniss was bitching so much in ‘The Hunger Games’ books, Ethiopia has been competing for years and I don’t hear any of them complaining
Your momma so old she has been a waitress at the last supper
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks "so you don't miss fried chicken."
Recently I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker down town in Manhattan, New York thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
your hairline so bad when you need a role model who has been having a tough life you go to your barber
