Has-been jokes

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!

Your move, Ron DeSantis.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars... that's why there are no signs of life there.

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

It has been rumored that Disney is developing a movie based on suicide. The title?

Finding Emo.

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

How do you know when a football player has been to jail?

When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.

All aboard the Magic School Bus! We are going to New York. The second tower has been hit.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

What did the bee say after the execution? "The criminal has been beeheaded!"

There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

"All I want is a good Blow Pop."

"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

"Or adopt Three Musketeers."

"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."