Guys jokes

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Why did the guy's birthday party stink?

Because he was turning farty!

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

What do you call 4 black guys and 2 white guys?

The Oreo Gang!

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?

Depends how hard they blow out the candles.

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!