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Guy jokes

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

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    • When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.

    Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.

    How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

    “You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

    So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

    An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

    The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

    The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

    A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

    I was 11 or 12 at the time.

    Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

    If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

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    • Two guys are on a plane. One of the guys' name is Jack. The other is Peter.

    Peter: "Hi Jack."

    Flight Attendant: "You're going to hijack the plane?!?"

    Jack: "No, my name is Ja-"

    Flight Attendant: "Everybody stay calm! These two men are going to hijack the plane!"

    Jack: "No, no. My name is Jack and my friend here is an idiot."

    A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

    He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.

    So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.

    Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

    Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

    Stranger 1: You can't!

    Stranger 2: You can.

    Stranger 3: How?

    Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

    Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

    Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

    Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

    (The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

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    • There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta-joke."

    So the guy replies,

    OK. There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta-joke."

    So the guy replies,

    OK. There was this guy going to a bar. The guy asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "Here you go!"

    So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.

    Hi guys, I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you! Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.

    An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.

    The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.

    A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

    "Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

    "We're going with Trevor."

    "Ok, what if it's a girl?"

    "Then we'll have an abortion."

    I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

    Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

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