I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.
Why are Americans good at Rubik's Cubes?
They're so good at separating colors.
Straights are ALWAYS asking LGBTQ+ people why they have such GOOD FASHION SENSE. We didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing, honey ;)
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
There's a kid named Little Johnny who would always cuss. Well, one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said, "Let's play a game." So the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. The teacher says "A". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, he might say something like a**." So the teacher calls on Sally. Sally says "apple". The teacher says "B". Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher thought, "No, he might say something like b!tch." So the teacher goes all the way to R. The teacher says "R". Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Me, me, please, I really know one." Then the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, there's no cuss word that starts with R," so she said, "Okay, Johnny, give me a word that starts with R." Little Johnny says, "A rat!" and the teacher, very pleased, says, "Very good, Johnny. What type of rat?" Little Johnny says, "A big gosh damn mother freaker."
Sorry, I had to edit some word, but y'all know what I meant.
Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?
Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?
Mom, mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand..... Little Johnny, good! But he's not born yet.
Why aren't orphans good at Monopoly?
They don't know what a house is.
Why are frogs good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives!
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
I don't struggle with depression- like, at this point, I have it down. I'm good at depression.
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
I had a good time with friends!
Why did the doorbell have a good sense of humor?
Because it got everybody's pokes!
