Good Will jokes
A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."
Jack opened his drying eyes, awoken by a piercing ray of sunlight shining through crooked blinds. A gentle smell wafted in from the corner of what his temporarily blinded eyes knew to be a dilapidated kitchen. It was the one good thing about his life, that smell. He closed his eyes once more and awaited his call.
“Jacky, breakfast time!” beckoned that oh-so-familiar girlish voice. “Oh, silly me, the handcuffs!”
The same footsteps he always heard, the only ones, tapped along the tile floor as each one of Jack’s limbs were freed from the cold metal that imprisoned them. He’d learned not to resist it, and the acceptance was blissful.
Jack slowly dragged himself to the kitchen table, still adjusting his eyes to the light. Moments later, a bowl was slid over to him by a hand he’d become all too familiar with. Oatmeal with little bits of dried apple mixed in. Even after four years, he still liked it.
“Thank you, Randy,” Jack muttered.
“Jill,” said the girl’s voice across from him. The girl’s voice vanished.
“You call me Randy when I’m having my way with you, boy. Understood?” said the balding, sweat-stained man from whom Jill’s voice came.
“Yes, sir.”
“Now hurry up and eat your food. I want to have some more fun before you expire.”
Jack ate obediently, but deep down he grew concerned. Expired? What could Randy mean by...expired?
He thought back to the day everything went wrong. The day he was deceived. His 14th birthday.
Four years...already? Was Jack really about to be an adult? Then expired means...
Jack stood up quickly, hitting his knees on the table with a thud.
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Which one?”
“The one you don’t like to watch,” Jack replied. Randy waved him away dismissively.
Jack paced around the small shack searching for the bathroom door. He passed the heavily locked front door, each lock a memento of his past escape attempts. Finally, he entered the bathroom. No lock, he had to be fast.
Jack searched desperately around the room for anything he could use. If this was his last round before Randy was through with him, it might be his only chance to escape. He opened drawers, scrounged through cupboards, scoured every inch of the floor, but found a small mirror.
“Almost done, Jacky?” called the voice of Jill. “Don’t keep daddy waiting.” grumbled Randy.
Startled, Jack lost his grip on the mirror. Jack froze the second it fell to the floor and shattered.
“Shit...shit!” he whispered sharply, trying to brush the mess away. In doing so, he found a shard large enough to be held. “This’ll have to do...”
Jack slid the shard in his pocket and returned to the living room he had woken up in. The same old deflated mattress was still there, iron bars and all. Randy lay sprawled across it, a pink lace bra covering his hairy chest, matching panties withholding his dense, greasy bush. His waist had grown so fat they hardly fit, until...
SNAP!
The panties seemed to vanish as the waistband broke, springing his embarrassing, already erect penis from side to side.
“Oopsies,” he cooed.
Jack took off his clothes, as was the ritual, and laid them at the foot of the mattress. His sore knees pressed into the stained fabric while he inched closer to Randy’s pulsating cock. Licking his lips, Jack bent down and took the member into his mouth. Randy groaned with pleasure as Jack’s tongue swirled around his tip, diving into the lining of his foreskin to gather what curds of smegma were present. Jack’s nausea at this had vanished long ago, he was merely going through the motions before enacting his plan.
As he throated Randy’s dick over and over again, the man who had trapped Jack for so long began to thrust upward into his mouth, lightly scratching his face with the overgrown pubes that lined the base of his cock. Jack wiggled his tongue in Randy’s urethra, just how he liked it. Anything to get this over with quicker.
“Ungh, fuck...don’t stop Jack, you dirty little whore...I’m so close,” Randy moaned.
Jack sucked harder and harder, faster and faster, all while his hand slowly inched toward the makeshift blade in his pants behind him. With the weapon in hand, Jack gave it everything he had.
“MMMPH FUCK YES, CMON BABY GIVE IT TO ME! OH JACK, OH, OH FUCK, I’M G-GONNA CUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!” screamed Randy, closing his eyes tightly.
He threw his head back and Jack took his chance. With one fell swoop of the glass shard, he sliced Randy’s dick clean off, spitting the half of it still in his mouth out. Jack lunged at the injured Randy, glass still in hand.
“AAARRGGHHHHHH, FUCK! HAAH...FUCK!” Randy cried, semen oozing out of his bloody stump of a penis. He opened his eyes just as Jack thrust the blade straight into his right one, then his left. Left weak from the orgasm, Randy could hardly fight back.
(To be continued in comments)
What do you call a seven who's not feeling well? A sick seven
Where did Sally go after stepping onto the minefield? Everywhere
Getting a girlfriend is just like parking a car; usually all the good ones are taken, so you just gotta stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
What’s something you can say at a Christian summer camp and during a blind date?
"Good Lord, this is fun!"
What do you call an emo kid at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Did you know that good Catholic girls like to WAP?
Yeah, they are all about Worship and Prayer.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
You know all these hairline jokes are good but are very rude, but your hairline is built like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Why aren't orphans good at poker?
Because they don't know what a "full home" is!
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something good.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
1. What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-bony.
2. Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
3. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had nobody to dance with.
4. What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
5. What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
6. Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
7. What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
8. Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
9. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
10. How do French skeletons say hello?
“Bone-jour!”
11. What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
12. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
13. What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
“You’re dead to me.”
14. Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
15. Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
16. Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
17. What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
“Will you marrow me?”
18. When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
19. What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
20. Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
21. What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
22. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
23. Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
24. What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire too long?
He became bone dry.
25. What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
26. What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
27. What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
28. What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
29. What does a skeleton fly in if his scare-plane isn’t available?
A skele-copter.
30. What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
“Bone voyage!”
31. What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
32. What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
33. Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
34. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
35. What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
36. What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
37. Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
38. Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
39. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
“You suck.”
40. Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
41. What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
“Looks like you are running a femur.”
42. What’s a skeleton’s favorite rock band?
The Grateful Dead.
43. What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
44. What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
45. Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
46. What is half the diameter of a skeletal circle?
The radius.
47. Why did the skeleton student stay late at school?
He was boning up for his exam.
48. What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
49. What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
50. What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
51. Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
52. How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
53. What Spanish food do skeletons enjoy most?
Patella.
54. What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
“I’m bone to be wild!”
55. Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
56. What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
57. What did the skeleton say to his wife?
“I love every bone in your body.”
58. What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
59. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
60. How did skeletons send mail back in the olden days?
The Bony Express.
61. How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
62. What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
63. What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
64. Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
65. Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
66. Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
67. Why can’t skeletons fly over Area 51?
It’s a no-fly bone.
68. What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow mac
There are some questionable candies out there, such as:
"All I want is a good Blow Pop."
"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."
"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."
"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."
"Or adopt Three Musketeers."
"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."
If Huggy and Kissy ever had a kid, they would have a good lunch. *evil laugh* 😈
If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.
A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
I learned how to say "virgin" in German: "Good and tight."
Man, this walk is really good. Oh wait, you can't.