I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?
Students: Eggs.
Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?
Kids: Homework.
I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby, we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Teacher: Describe a penguin.
Student: Black, white, beak.
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
What are the big mouths of feminists good for? Portable urinal for men.
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
