Gold jokes

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

I was digging and found some gold. I was going to tell my mom, then I remembered why I was digging.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

Are you made of gold, titanium, sulfur, titanium, and carbon?

Cuz you’re looking a little big Au Ti S Ti C.

What's the difference between a boy and gold?

More people want gold.

Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?

A. Denephew.

What’s the difference between a penis and a golf ball?

A penis always goes in the hole.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Don't treat her like a gold pump when she's treating you like a gray pistol. Put down a launch pad and rotate.

A block of gold walked into a bar. The bartender said, “AU, get out!”

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

What is better than winning gold at the Para Olympics?

WALKING!

In his dream, some people gave the Hodja nine gold coins, but Hodja wanted ten. So he refused them. Suddenly, he awoke and saw that his hands were empty. So, he quickly closed his eyes again and said, "It's okay, I'll take the nine coins."

Three boys are playing on a slide when a genie appeared.

The genie says, "Whatever you shout when you go down the slide, I will grant you a bucket full of."

The first boy goes down the slide shouting, "diamonds!", and he gets a bucket of diamonds.

The second boy goes down the slide and shouts, "gold!", and gets a bucket of gold.

The third boy, who never listens or pays attention, goes down the slide and shouts "weeeeeeee!"

What’s red, gold, and blank in Las Vegas?

Tupac