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What is an old lady's favorite exercise?

Trying to get up from the soft couch.

I had to take the underground just to get from your forehead to your hairline, they're so far apart!!!

What did the parent say to M.J.?

"Get off my kid!"

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

Why did the duck cross the road to get to his quack dealer?

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

What do you call a pregnant slave?

Buy 1 get 1 free.

An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

How do you get rid of a fat ghost? You exercise it.

You are so fat that when you jump into the pool, everyone gets out.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids.

Why do men get great ideas in bed?

'Cause they are plugged into a genius!

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

Why don’t Mexicans have sex education and driver's education on the same day?

Because the donkey gets tired.

Why don’t Mexicans have sex education and a driver’s education on the same day?

Because the donkey gets tired.

What do orphans and apples not have in common... The apples get picked up.