What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.
Get Jokes
I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.
My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:
Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*
So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.
Why did the slave go to college?
To get his master's degree.
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
What's the quickest way to get money besides winning the lottery?
Leaving your son with Michael Jackson.
What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?
"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"
"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."
The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Why don't Indians play soccer?
Because every time they get a corner, they open up a shop.
Did Mr. Rusher play tennis in the dark?
You will get hit by the tennis ball! Ouch, Mr. Rusher said.
Why don’t Indians play soccer?
Cos every time they get a corner, they open a shop.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
Why don't Indians play soccer?
Because every time they get a corner, they build a shop on it.
I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.
Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?
Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)
Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.
Me: *Confused*
Sister: They're both horrible.
