Friends jokes

Went to school today, had to yell at my friend that he wasn't on the clock.

He continued to swing on the pole in front of children.

Why are a gun and a bag of chips alike?

You pull them out at school and everyone wants to be your friend.

What do you call a school bus that you cannot drive?

A friend.

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

What did the cannibal say when his friend fell on the floor?

"5 second rule!"

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.

Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.

My friend talking to fat boi: "I can order you at McDonald's: Double Big Mac, triple quarter pounder cheeseburger."

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

"Gwen, I want my boyfriend back!"

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...