Friends jokes

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Why do asscheeks make great friends?

They always stick together!

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

God creates dog.

God: "You are man's best friend."

Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?

A. May your baby rest in pieces.

What do you call your retard friend?

A homie with an extra cromie.

Person: Did you hear about the black chick on the front of the bus?

Friend: No?

Person: Exactly.

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

Friend 1: *turns off lights*

Friend 2: *is there with us*

Me: Woah! Where did friend 2 go?!