Friend jokes

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."