Fired jokes

Where was Stephen Hawking during the house fire?

The top of the stairs.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.

What is the difference between me and a fire?

It's hot.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

What do Marshall Tucker Band and Kobe Bryant have in common?

Their last big hit was "Fire on the Mountain."

Are you the Lusitania 'cause I wanna fire a torpedo into you?

What do you call California during a forest fire?

Completely normal.

I got suspended at school today. I lit a kid's wheelchair on fire and called him "Hot Wheels."

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

Did you hear about the man that got fired from his can job? It was soda-pressing.

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

What begins with F and ends with CK?

Fuck, I mean fire truck.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?

Hot Wheels...

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

A paraplegic after a house fire.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and called it "Hot Wheels."

If you give a man a match, he is warm for the night, but if you light a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life. :)