Father's jokes

What do you call an orphan who became a priest?

Father-less.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister." Daughter: "I don't have a..."

Why do orphans always go to church? Because that’s the only place they could call someone "father."

Why don't orphans like Russia and Germany?

Because it's the Mother and Father Land.

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

Your hairline is as nonexistent as your dad.

I can tell why the Founding Fathers adopted the Constitution, because nobody likes it.

Why did the orphan go to a church?

So he could call someone "father."

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

A father of a young girl comes and meets the doctor.

Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?

Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.

Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.

Why do orphans love to go to church? Because they have someone to call father.

The twin towers are like your father, they're both gone and will never come back.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

Why does Technoblade make orphan jokes?

'Cuz he's the Father!!!

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.

Why do orphans go to church?

Because they can call someone "father."