Family jokes
Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.
My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.
I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is!
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.