Family jokes

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

What has eight legs and leaves kids alone? The Jackson 4.

Q. What's an orphan's favorite South Park episode?

A. The anti-Family Guy episode.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?

A. An easy bake oven.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

What did the paintings name their daughter?

Palette.

When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?

When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.

What did the Chinese family name their retarded kid? Something Wong.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.