Family jokes

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?

A dad joke.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?

They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.

Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?

Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.