Family jokes

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is!

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?

A dad joke.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.