The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
What feature does an orphan's phone not have?
A home button.
Yo mama's feet are so fat, she had to wear a sock on each toe.
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
What did the paintings name their daughter?
Palette.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.
Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.
What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?
One has a home.
