What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
This is the real reason why the chicken crossed the road.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To visit his grandmother at KFC.
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is!
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?
An orphan.
Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
