Family jokes

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because he can't find home.

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

So there were three baby chickens and two mothers. The first baby said, "Why am I named Calf?"

And the mother said, "I f***ed a cow."

Then the second baby came up to its mother, and it said, "Why am I named B***h?"

And its mom said, "I f***ed a wolf."

And the final baby came to its mother and said, "Why am I named Orphan?" And because its mother wasn't there to see it, this is what I have to say: "Because you are one, you ducking hitch!!"

If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"

Two brothers were arguing. One went: "You're an idiot!"

The other went: "Your brother's a mother!"

He replied: "Yeah, I know. Thanks for agreeing with me."

And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.

What did the mom say to her house? "I love you"

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.

Why can't an orphan role-play Star Wars?

Because they have no one to play Darth Vader.

Why can’t an orphan have a dog? It always runs away.

I'll call your mom a cow, but which one?

My dad was on a hotdog with ketchup.

Why can’t orphans have milk?

Because their dad never came back.

What should orphans do when their parents aren’t there? The usual.

Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn!

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.