Family jokes

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

What has eight legs and leaves kids alone? The Jackson 4.

What's an orphan's favorite movie? Spiderman: No Way Home.

I would tell you an orphan joke, ehh I’ll just tell your parents instead.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't hit a home run.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?

An orphan.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

Why does an orphan wanna be a criminal?

Because they wanna be wanted.

Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for his birthday?

Because it has no home button.

Q. What's an orphan's favorite South Park episode?

A. The anti-Family Guy episode.

What do orphans, parents, and trees have in common? They leafed.

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

What did the orphan ask Santa for? A good family.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.