Family jokes

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

What is an orphan's least favorite movie?

Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?

An orphan.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

Why does an orphan wanna be a criminal?

Because they wanna be wanted.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

I would tell you an orphan joke, ehh I’ll just tell your parents instead.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for his birthday?

Because it has no home button.