Family jokes

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

What is an orphan's least favorite movie?

Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.

Me: Hey, are your parents home?

Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is!

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

What did the orphan ask Santa for? A good family.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

What do orphans, parents, and trees have in common? They leafed.

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...