Family jokes

Me: Hey, are your parents home?

Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

What is an orphan's least favorite movie?

Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?

They are both nowhere to be found.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for his birthday?

Because it has no home button.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?

An orphan.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"