Family jokes

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?

A dad joke.

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?

An orphan.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for his birthday?

Because it has no home button.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is!

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.