Family jokes

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

What is an orphan's least favorite movie?

Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?

They are both nowhere to be found.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?

A dad joke.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

Why does an orphan wanna be a criminal?

Because they wanna be wanted.

Orphans go on vacation to the ancient pyramid to find a mommy.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.