Family jokes
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
What is an orphan's favorite show?
Batman.
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.
What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?
I don't know.
Neither do I, but it runs in the family.
Walt what?
My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?
They are both nowhere to be found.
Alabama.
Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.
What is an orphan's least favorite movie?
Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.
What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?
"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
Why did the orphan go to church?
It was because he was looking for someone to call "Father."
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.
I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Orphans go on vacation to the ancient pyramid to find a mommy.