Family jokes

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?

They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

Orphans go on vacation to the ancient pyramid to find a mommy.

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

I made a website to adopt orphans. But there is no home page.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."