Family jokes

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

Me: Hey, are your parents home?

Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

What is an orphan's least favorite movie?

Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I made a website to adopt orphans. But there is no home page.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

Orphans go on vacation to the ancient pyramid to find a mommy.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?

They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.