Family jokes

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I made a website to adopt orphans. But there is no home page.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't hit a home run.

What did the orphan ask Santa for? A good family.

What do orphans, parents, and trees have in common? They leafed.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is!

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for his birthday?

Because it has no home button.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.