Family jokes

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

Hey Siri, where is my dad?

Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!

Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

...WhAT-

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

What do you call a Down syndrome kid who has been physically abused by older teenagers and her parents for a total of 16 years and has red marks all over their body?

Not funny because Down syndrome jokes aren't funny ;)

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”