Family jokes

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?

So that they can be wanted.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

What’s one thing orphans don’t have on their computer? A home page.

Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.