Family Jokes

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

Im so special

A Lego character is displayed with the text: "Me asking my dad how I got 100% on the Autism Test even though I didn't practice for it: ...because you are The Special."

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

Why can't an orphan go to McDonald's? There's no point in the words "happy meal."

yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."