What's the difference between a black dad and a boomerang? A boomerang comes back.
Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.
He just moved back in with his mom.
My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"
"Dave who?"
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.
If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom.
My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Why can't an orphan go to McDonald's? There's no point in the words "happy meal."
yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
Girl: "Come over."
Orphan: "I can't."
Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"
Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
