Family jokes

How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

Why can't an orphan go to McDonald's? There's no point in the words "happy meal."

yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."