Family jokes

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?

So that they can be wanted.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.