Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."
Students: "OOF!"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Your parents!"
What's an orphan's favorite movie?
"Home Alone."
Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.
Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.
What is stronger than family?
The tree Paul Walker hit.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
What show does an orphan hate?
Family Guy.
What type of cookie has an orphan never had? Homemade cookies.
What flour do you give an orphan?
Self-raising.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
