Family jokes

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

What is an orphan's favorite event? Homecoming.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

What is stronger than family?

The tree Paul Walker hit.

What's an orphan's favorite movie?

"Home Alone."

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"

when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.

What flour do you give an orphan?

Self-raising.

Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

What show does an orphan hate?

Family Guy.