Family

Family jokes

Grandpa

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

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  • Pregnancy

    Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

    Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

    Wife: "No, you're not."

    Friend

    My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

  • 5
  • Suicide

    My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

    I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

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  • Orphan

    New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

    Students: "OOF!"

    Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

    Students: "Your parents!"

    Orphan

    Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.

    Orphan

    Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

    Technology

    When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

    Dad

    My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

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  • Parent

    So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

    Child

    My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

    Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

    Fetus

    What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

    They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"