Family jokes

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

What is an orphan's favorite event? Homecoming.

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

What is stronger than family?

The tree Paul Walker hit.

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"

What's an orphan's favorite movie?

"Home Alone."

when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

What flour do you give an orphan?

Self-raising.

Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

What type of cookie has an orphan never had? Homemade cookies.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.