Family jokes
What do you call an orphan who can't get 5 stars on GTA?
Not wanted.
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
Why do orphans eat their cereal dry? Their dad hasn’t come back with the milk.
Me: I saw your parents yesterday.
Orphan girl: Where?
Me: The coffin was still open.
Barney
Guess why orphans can't play baseball? Because they don't know what home is.
Knock, knock!
"Is that daddy?"
No, but I'm about to be, so get on your knees!
Why don't orphans play baseball?
They don't have a home to run back to.
So, once upon a time, there was a man who lived in his house with his wife.
He got up to go out to work and closed the front door behind him.
Not even four seconds later, he came back inside panicking, saying, "There's a rabbit with a gun outside!"
The wife replied, "Oh, don't worry, rabbits don't have guns. They can't shoot people; you must be imagining things."
The man calmed down for a few minutes, and after some reassuring, he eventually decided to try to go back out to work again.
So he stepped outside the front door, and the rabbit shot him.
There was a kid being mean to another kid at an orphanage. The kid said, "Stop!" but the mean one said, "What are you going to do? Call your mommy?"
If an orphan got hit, will they go tell their parents?
My cousin really loves baseball.
He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.
What's the one school event that orphans don't go to?
Parents' evening.
Why don’t orphans live in villages?
Because they will get abandoned.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?
It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.
Cemeteries should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.