Family jokes

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.

"What's she like?" he asked the boy.

"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.

Why is it okay to make fun of orphans?

Because they can't tell their parents.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Pornhub is down, your mum's Facebook will do.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

There was a kid being mean to another kid at an orphanage. The kid said, "Stop!" but the mean one said, "What are you going to do? Call your mommy?"

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

Beans, your mum is fat!

What do you call a boy in your mom?

Your dad.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

What's the difference between you and your mom?

I slept with your mom.

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Technoblade: I'm the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans.

Quackity: What is the first thing to ever happen to the orphans???

Technoblade: Quackity..... they're orphans.

(Disclaimer: not funny xD)

How are you and an orphan similar?

Both of your fathers are invisible.

Last time Kenny ate a vegetable, he got banned from his mom's nursing home.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

Your mom is so ugly she made a blind kid cry.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.