Family jokes

My kid had an accident.

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

Why can't orphanages play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

Why did the orphan cry? Because he was an orphan and he watched his parents die.

I called an orphan's house, saying: "Are your parents home yet?"

He started crying.

You know why you never wanna fly with an orphan?

'Cause then they know they won't die alone.

What do an orphan and a homeless person have in common?

They have no one to call "Dad."

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Why aren't orphans scared of getting in trouble at school?

Because they can't call their parents.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

I punched an orphan, and he told me to leave him alone. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."