Family jokes
Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.
Every woman will die in five seconds.
Mother: Dies.
Sister: Dies.
Girlfriend: Lives.
You: 🤬
Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.
Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?
Little Johnny: "Your wife."
A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.
The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"
"What happened?" said the manager.
"A civil war."
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t have a home to run to.
A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.
Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.
I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.
A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."
Ur dad lesbian.
Ur sister a mister.
Ur family tree LGBT.
Ur family reunion a homosexual communion.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Momma?
Momma who?
Big Momma!
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."
He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."
What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?
When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
What’s an orphan's favorite game?
Catch.
You know what you could use? An orphan as a punching bag.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?