Family Jokes

What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?

They both worry about how she will turn out!

Little boy: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?

Little boy: Your parents.

I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.

What was Stephen Hawking's mother's name?

Ilean.

My depressed mom looks good hanging from a tree.

why did i laugh at this? this is alot like someone I know.. hmm- ( in the cmmts write who u think it is!)

The image shows six panels, each depicting a different idea of what work from home looks like. The first shows someone sleeping with a pug, labeled "What society thinks I do." The second shows a hand holding a remote, with popcorn, labeled "What my family thinks I do." The third shows a child using a laptop, labeled "What my friends think I do." The fourth shows a woman with large sunglasses and luggage, labeled "What my clients think I do." The fifth shows a woman looking at a computer screen, labeled "What I think I do." The last shows a woman yelling into a phone, labeled "What I really do."

Why did the orphan cross the street? Because they thought that mommy and daddy was on the other side.

I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.

Why is Mrs. Grapes 🍇 a good mother?

Because she loves raisin' kids.

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.

My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.

Here is a dark joke for you guys... "Why do pornstars scream, "DADDY!" in their videos? Because they were child molested by their father!"

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.

That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.

That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.