Family Jokes

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they don’t have a home to run to.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

Why is it okay to bully an orphan?

It’s not like they could tell their parents.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

The image is a screenshot of two posts from Reddit. The first post is from a user in r/feminineboys, titled "Dad of a feminine Boy." The post describes a 50-year-old father who found skirts and thigh highs belonging to his 16-year-old son, who is a femboy. The father is seeking advice on how to best support his son. The second post is from a user in r/Boykisser3, titled "My dad found my thigh highs." It features a crudely drawn illustration of a cat-like character looking worried.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!

Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!

The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.

The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.