Family jokes
What did the mom say when her child came out?
"The head was so big!"
What’s the difference between a fruit and an orphan? One gets chosen :)
My sister thinks she's sooooo smart. She said that the only food that makes you cry is onions, therefore I threw a coconut at her.
Me: Dad, my phone is broken.
Dad: How?
Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.
Dad: Stupid.
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
when my dad facetimes me
FUCK ME DADDY!!!!
Step on your small sister's foot, she will always open her mouth like a dustbin.
When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
Why did the orphan join the baseball team?
Because he knew when he got to third base he could head home.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
To find their parents.
When the school shooter enters the classroom and it's the quiet kid's dad.
What is an orphan's favorite movie? Spider-Man: Homecoming.
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
Why does an orphan like home base? Because he doesn't have one.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.
Why can’t an orphan play baseball??
They can’t hit a home run! 😂
Why do all orphans have iPhone 10-12?
They don't have a home button.
Why does an orphan cry on Thanksgiving?
Family gathering.