Family jokes

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

Your nan.

Why do orphans go to church?

Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that lives with the royal family?

Rolls Royce.

Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.

Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?

She thought her grandma was trying to flex.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

Yo mama so fat I can see where you got in from now.

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Why do orphans suck at web design?

They don’t know what a home page is.

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND the house.

Your hairline is so far back, just like your dad is from you.

Why didn't the orphan go to the orphanage?

He didn't understand having a home, even if it was temporary.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

What is the difference between iPhones and orphans?

iPhones have a home button.

Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!