Family jokes
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
Why did the orphan cross the road? They thought they saw their mother.
Teachers: Do you give your mother that attitude?
Orphan: ...
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can never find home.
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
Q: Why should you never invite an aardvark to your family reunion?
A: Because it will eat your "aunts."
What's fat and wanks over his mom?
Guy Sheppard.
My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.
Ur mum—oh wait, you don't have that.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they don't know what a home base is.
Wanna know something the orphan could never do?
Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Why can't an orphan ever be a criminal?
Because he isn't wanted.
You'll never be lonely at cousinsonly.com.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They don't have a closet to come out of.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!
I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"