Family jokes

What's an orphan's favorite movie?

"Spider-Man: Homecoming."

I swear I always finish on page 3 when I'm looking at family pictures.

Why should you never give an orphan a phone?

Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.

Wanna know something the orphan could never do?

Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!

I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"

What do you get when you cross a redneck and another redneck?

Incest.

What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?

The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"