Family jokes

Teachers: Do you give your mother that attitude?

Orphan: ...

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

Why did the orphan cross the road? They thought they saw their mother.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can never find home.

A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.

Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."

Woman: "What's the bad news?"

Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"

Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"

Dr: "It's dead!"

My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Fuck you you rwind my life.

Children are like farts.

You can only tolerate your own.

You'll never be lonely at cousinsonly.com.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

What do you get when you cross a redneck and another redneck?

Incest.

I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"

Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?

The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"