Family jokes

What do orphans, parents, and a ball have in common?

If you throw them, they both will never come back.

I was born on the moon.

Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

If you have sex and your African parents find out,

“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."

If you ever get mad at an orphan, punch them in the face... What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Do you wanna know why orphans don’t play baseball?

They don’t know what home is.

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

My son always said he wanted to skydive, so we went on a plane, and mid-flight, we had to jump out. The only issue is we were on a commercial flight to Arizona.

We are having a sleepover and we are being as quiet as possible.

Addison: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, THOSE ARE GREAT JOKES!!!

Layne: IKR

Mom: SHUT UP, YOUR BROTHER IS TRYING TO SLEEP.

Addison: ok fine.

Layne: Look at this joke.

Addison: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

*Addison and Layne continue laughing really loudly*

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND CLEAN MY ROOM! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!

Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!

Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

What does a homeless man call his mother?

Useless.

My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

Your grandma is pretty old; she'll die soon.

My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."