Family jokes

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

What do you call an octopus whose father left?

An octopie.

Bread is like an orphan: plain and stale and no fam.

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

Why do orphans go to church?

So they have someone to call father.

I was looking for my sister... I looked down at my feet and saw her.

Never tell an orphan about a family matter; they wouldn't understand.

Fun fact: If you're an orphan, you probably don't know your parents.

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

When you go to Incestry.com instead of Ancestry.com.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, I will kill your family.

My mom is gay.

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.