Family jokes

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Alabama.

Alabama who?

Alabama your cousin.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

An orphan finds a genie.

Orphan: "My first wish is to be rich."

Genie: "Of course."

Orphan: "My second wish is to be famous."

Genie: "Done."

Orphan: "I wish my parents could come back!"

Genie: "I told you I can't bring people back from the dead!"

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

My son asked me, “What is angel cake made of?”

I reply by listing the ingredients in Mr. Kipling angel cakes. Then he shouts “STOP!” I stop as I reach food colorings. He slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper, “Well, in my angel cake, I put angels in them.”

I freaked out about this, so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake. He said, “Grandma, the one who died last Saturday.”

I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.

My disabled dad went to the grocery store.

He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.

Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Q: What did the little girl say to her leper daddy?

A: "Oops, I got your nose!"

How did the guy greet his wife?

"Howdy, sister!"

Why are orphans called orphans?

'Cause they're gay.

I dicked your mom down so good, bitch!

Sisters before misters.

I hope you get better.

I love you.

Uh, uh, fuck me, daddy!

Teacher: *Reads mythological story about a cyclops*

Me: Does he have one eye cause he's from an incestual family in Alabama?

I f..... Nan and dust came out. 😂

The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

My brother puts his butt in his face and says, "Kyle, you're cracking me up!"