Family jokes

What do you say when your brother has too many jeans?

"Gene-ious!"

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.

What do you say to someone's mom?

"You mom gay."

Mommy, why is my name Brick???

Mom: When you were a little baby, a brick dropped on your head.

Mommy, why is my name Rose???

Mom: When you were a little baby, a rose petal dropped on your head.

Brick walks in, "Blagudnunag."

Where does Santa send his children to study?

The Elf-phabets.

What was Stephen Hawking's mother's name?

Ilean.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

My grandad killed Hitler. He was such a great man!

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.

"I will see her in one week!"

A week later, he died.

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because its uncles were all aunts!