Family jokes
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.
I love playing games with my family.
Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyyđ
After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.
Friend, your mum's fat.
Me: Well, your mum's so fat, she played pool with the planets.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
Whatâs the difference between your mum and your nan?
Your nan's a GILF!
What does a bullet and milk have in common? They both take out your dad.
Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.
Why do orphans work boomerangs?
Because it's the only thing that comes back.
What do you call an orphan family photo?
A selfi.
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"
Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"
Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."
Brother:......
Me, my brother, and my dad.
Dad: What do you call a crazy creeper?
Mom: Shit, I don't know...
Kid: Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Dad: That's my boy's!!!
So, two kids argued and insulted each other.
KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"
KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."
Someone telling a joke:
Boy: "My parents are dead."
Girl: "My grandad is too."
Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"
Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"
My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."
What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?
Moses hits the adoption lottery!
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as heâs not sober.
Bartender: Hey, thatâs some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and donât give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If thatâs the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? Youâre a hypocrite, thatâs what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? Youâre right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.