Family jokes
What's the difference between you and your mom?
I slept with your mom.
Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.
Why do orphans always go to church? Because that’s the only place they could call someone "father."
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't hit a home run.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin.
My wife left me yesterday.
I haven't talked to the kids in a year.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.
This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.
Hi, I did not text back to text her and dad, now I’m texting her. Now I’m.
Why do orphans eat cereal with water? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do incest families do on Halloween?
Pumpkin.
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
Why do all orphans get iPhone X's?
There isn't a home button.
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.
Mum: And that is?
*Kid walks out.*
*Kid comes back in with milk.*
Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!
Why can't orphans have a funeral? Because their parents won't be there.
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.
If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.