Family jokes
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
Son: I love you, Dad.
Dad gets in car and drives away.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Q: What was the orphan's first phone?
A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.
Why did the kid go in the guy's van?
Answer: He thought he was being adopted.
At 6, she wanted a happy mama.
At 8, she hated acting like a mom.
At 10, she wanted to see her own smile again.
At 11, she wanted to see her mom.
Why did the adopted kid eat the last cookie? Because he was the only one left to adopt; everyone hated him.
How do you know your Dad's been fucking your sister?
His dick tastes funny...
I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.
What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because they can’t find home.
Chuck Norris used to be an orphan.
Because some families were too scared of his bravery to adopt him.
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture your bedtime.
When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.
What do you get when you cross the terms homeless and abandoned?
POORphan
Me: Hey, I’m your mom.
Orphan: Yay, you came back!
Me: Sike!
9 months before I was born,
I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".