Family jokes
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
Why can't orphans go to field trips?
Parent Signature_________________
What were the orphan's mom and dad's names? John and Jane Doe.
What do you say when you sister's annoying you?
Go oasis (go away sis)!
You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
Just to an orphan.
Orphan: You're stupid.
You: You're so ugly, it's the reason your parents are dead.
Do not tell an orphan family meeting; they wouldn't get it.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
Mary has a house near a forest. She lives with her bro, and she once asked, "How many trees are there?" Her bro said: "I don't know." She said: "Tree."
There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.
A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They can't find home.
No one has my back like my dad.
Why canât orphans go on field trips?
Because they need a parentâs signature.
One day, a child walks along and asks, "Mother, why am I called Butterfly?"
The mother replies, "A butterfly landed on you as a baby."
A minute later, another child comes along and says, "Mother, why am I called Feather?"
The mother then replied, "Because a feather fell on your head when you were born."
Then Brick comes along and says, "Ahahhsdjsjskxs."
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" đ
My parents gave me a blowjob. It was a blowtastic time!