Elderly jokes
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldnβt quite reach."
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
Corona be like:
Eliminating half the population of boomers faster than Thanos.
*snap*
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
So, I walked up to my grandma and I said, "What color would you be on a rainbow cupcake?" She just turned 61, ok, ok. So I'm like, "I got it, I got it, ok, ok." She's like: "Ok, what color?" I say: "Grey."
What does a dick and an elderly person have in common? They are both short.
What's every elderly person's spirit animal? The blue tang fish.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
An old man saw the TikTok trend of people throwing it back. The old man wanted to do it with his wife. The man set up everything needed and did the video. He threw it back first, then his wife, but instead of an old lady, it was ashes.
I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"
I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.
Why did the old man win in a fight? Because he was stressed.
Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70-year-old.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What's an old man's favorite food?
Wrinkled onions.
How are babies and the elderly similar?
They are both fun to throw out of moving cars.
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.