Eating

Eating jokes

Baby

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

Christmas

What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!

What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!

What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!

Pussy

What do you do after you eat the softest pussy in the world?

Put the diapers back on.

  • 1
  • Memes

    Cannibal

    How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?

    You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.

    You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.

    He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.

    You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.

    Orphan

    Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?

    Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.

    Misunderstanding

    One day, I'm going to Malta to a big hotel. In the morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her I want a piece. She says, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You don't understand. I want a piece on my plate." She says, "You better not piss on your plate, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.

    I don't need this shit!!

    Later, I go to eat at the big restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanted a fork. She tells me everyone wanna fuck. I say, "You don't understand, I want a fork on my table." She says, "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.

    I don't need this shit!

    So, I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I want a sheet. He tells me, go to the toilet. I say, "You don't understand, I want a sheet on my bed." He says, "You better not shit on my bed, you son of a bitch."

    I go to the checkout, and the man at the desk says, 'Peace on you.' I say, 'Piss on you too, you son of a bitch. I'm going back to Italia. Arrivederci!'

    I don't need this shit!

    Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent.

    Cow

    Four cows went to the county fair. They saw a sign that said that next year animals can enter a singing contest. They decided that they would enter next year. So they called their group the "4 Cs Quartet" since their names were Clementine, Candy, Cookie, and Columbine.

    They discovered how they could win. After a discussion, they decided to eat as much corn as possible, so they would sing in perfect 4 part hominy.

    Dildo

    Jack and Jill went up my ass to eat a big dildo, but Jack died cause he got hit by a brown thing.

    Baseball

    Orphans and Chinese people can’t play baseball. The orphans can’t find home, and the Chinese kid will eat the bat.

    Number

    Why was 6 afraid of 7?

    'Cause 7 8 9.

    But why did 7 eat 9?

    'Cause you need 3 square meals a day :D

    Weight

    "I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

    Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.