DoS jokes

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

What do you call a private nun?

Nun-o-yo-business.

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

What do you call an angry Texan?

A Confederate leader.

What do you call a midget with autism?

A weetard.

How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!

Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."

What do vacuums and your mom have in common?

They both suck.

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.

Why do orphans play GTA? Because they want to feel wanted.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"