A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
What do EMO kids use as birth control? Their Personalities.
What do you call Hitler in a pool? Adolfin.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
Why do depressed people go to camp? To learn how to tie knots tighter.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, at your front door?
Matt.
What do you call a 90-year-old black man?
Antique farming equipment.
What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
What do skeletons hate the most about wind?
Nothing, it goes right through them.
If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both let little kids sit on their lap.
What do you call an Indian electrician?
Ashok 😂
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.
Jared from Subway. Remember kids, "tuna sub" backwards is what I'm going to do on your face.
What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?
Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.
What do you call a retard in a house fire?
Flame Retardant.
