Dont jokes
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby?
Both of their legs don't work.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.
I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."
They don’t have to invest a lot into the Stephen Hawking wax statue, though.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
What's the difference between a chicken and a dog?
I don't know... I'm from China.
What's the difference between broccoli & boogers?
People don't eat their broccoli.
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is...
Riddle: I don't move, I travel across the world, but I never leave the corner. What am I?
Answer: A stamp.
Well, I don't have a joke but... I have a poem.
My dick is red, your pussy is blue. I... lied to you.
Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.
They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.