Domestic Life Jokes

Dog

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Wife

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Kid

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

Kid

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

Washer

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

Memes

Maid

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Cat

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?

A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

  • 2
  • Lipstick

    The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

    She still isn't talking to me.

    Wife

    The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"

    Dog

    There’s a woman cutting onions when her husband walks in and starts crying. Onions was a good dog.

    Day

    I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

    Homeless Man

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

    Man

    What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

    Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

    Professor

    A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

    His wife was up waiting for him.

    "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

    He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

    Dad

    My dad left for milk 4 hours ago, anyone know where he is?

    Child

    Have a sink in your house? Eat it.

    Have a mouse in your house? Kill it.

    Have a child in your house? MICROWAVE IT.

    ...just kidding. Now watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5tjtUFL0j4