What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

“Hello, its a nice day, do you have any plans on what your going to do?”… The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

The other day while I was going down on my grandma , I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her !!!

Kid says “are u a soldier”? Soldier says “mhm” kid says “i wanna be a soldier some day” soldier says “really”? The kid says “ye but, father says i don’t have the balls to be a soldier” “but he’s right ima FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!

He: I am 60 and I have to slog 12 hours a day to make a living. Do u call it life?

She: I am 28 and still a virgin, do u call it life?

What kind of ☆ will come out in the day time?🌞

A star fish!🐟🐠🐡🦐🦞🦀🦑🐙🦂

One day, i love u

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

There was a family, the father’s name was Mad, the mother is brain, the brother’s name is nobody and the sister’s name is everybody. One day, nobody killed everybody and the father ran to the police’s office and screamed, ‘‘NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!’’ ‘‘Sir, are you okay?’’ The police asked. ‘‘I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!’’ The father yelled even louder. ‘‘Are you mad?’’ The police asked. ‘‘Yes because my name is Mad!’’ The father exclaimed. ‘‘Where’s your brain?’’ Asked the police. ‘‘At home because my wife name is Brain.’’ The father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.

The other day my Girlfriend asked me to hand her, the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

Type this in your calculator: 5 days a week (type in 5), 6 different classes (type in 6), 7 hours a day (type in 7), x 2 semesters (type in 2),

flip the calculator over ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7 - When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the ‘bright side’ of it. She said "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome" 54 students died that day.

A boi found a magic vase and a genie came out and told hiM he had one wish the boy said I wanna be like Batman the genie said ok your wish is granted the boy Came home later that day and his parents were dead

One day, there are Friends having fun, hours later one of the friends Alice, wanted to leave and say cya guys am just gonna hangin in the tree and have some fresh air and they all agree hours go by and the group of friends are ready to go home but then seen a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass!" The Voodoo Dick then flies out of the woman’s vagina and inside the officer’s ass. The officer say “WHAT THE HELL GET THIS THING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!” The woman laughs and replies, “Thanks officer” and turns around and goes home.

So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” then he walks over to his brother who’s watching batman and asks “Whats the 3rd letter of the ABC’s” and his brother responds with “nu nu nu nu batman” then he proceeds to walk to his dad who’s watching football and ask “Dad whats the 4th letter of the ABC’s?” and he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD!” then he walks to his grandma who’s cooking buns and ask her “Whats the 5th letter of the ABC’s?” and she responds with “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!” then he Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day and the teacher says to her class “Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC’s” Johnny of course raises his hand and the teacher calls on him then he says “SHUT UP I’M COOKING!” then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says “Young man are you ready to go to the principals office?” then he proceeds to say “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” and he walks to the principals office then she says “What’s you’re name son?” he responds with “Nu nu nu nu batman!” then the principal ask “How many spanken’s boy?!” he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD” and after that he runs out of the principal’s office well yelling “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!”

I went to the Dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn’t going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn’t give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being load and shouting about all the woman they have in port that had given them gonorrhea… Bloody Seamen.

there was a man he took a right he took another right he took a last right why did he stop

So this one time i saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and i helped her up and she said ‘‘Thank you ‘’ and i said your welcome. The next day i saw her legs and someone said ‘’ I would not do that’’ and i said ‘’ Whatever’’ i tapped sally and the top halve fell I said ''WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY. And someone said she went in a mine field.

Im not chef but boyardees days getting harder and harder to get through

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