Dais jokes

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

One day I went to talk to my friend.

"Hi John!" I said.

No response.

"Oh, yeah."

I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.

"Hope that helps!"

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

11/9 is opposite day. The towers fall on the planes instead of 9/11, way.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"

"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"

Why do orphans only have 363 days in the year?

Because they don’t have a Mother's nor Father’s Day.

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Quote Of The Day:

It's okay to struggle.

It's not okay to give up.

Hey guys! I'm back! Sorry I didn't post yesterday! I had swim practice, and a bunch of homework, but here I am! And here is the quote of the day!

"Push yourself, because no one will do it for you."

Love y'all so much!

My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.

Guy: Are you tired?

His “Crush”: No.

Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?

His “Crush”: That’s sweet.

Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.

Your hairline is so far back that you have four faces to wash every day.

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.