Dais jokes

Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?

Because they don't have a Father's Day.

Leo is like a cloud... when she disappears, it's a beautiful day.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Orphans have 362 days in a year because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day and no birthday.

What’s the difference between an emo and a pack of Oreos? The emo’s barcode gets longer every day.

Yo mama so fat that if she didn't eat for a day, there would be enough food to feed Africans for 500 years.

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

One day, I was just chillin', being a tower. I saw a plane, but it was slowly growing.

Then it hit me.

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.

What did the water say to the cup?

"Good day!"

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

Your mama is so fat.

She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.