Dais jokes

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Leo is like a cloud... when she disappears, it's a beautiful day.

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

He only took a day off.

Your mama is so fat.

She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.

If you're having a bad day, just slap an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!

Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.