Dais jokes

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

He only took a day off.

Your mama is so fat.

She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.

If you're having a bad day, just slap an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!

Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.

My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.