Dais jokes
Your hairline is so far back that you have four faces to wash every day.
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"
One day I went to talk to my friend.
"Hi John!" I said.
No response.
"Oh, yeah."
I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.
"Hope that helps!"
11/9 is opposite day. The towers fall on the planes instead of 9/11, way.
My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.
She said help, so I kicked her.
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!
I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.
One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"
Why do orphans only have 363 days in the year?
Because they don’t have a Mother's nor Father’s Day.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"
I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.
He never came back the next day, says the local news.
"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"
"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"
I don't see why people say that emo kids don't like to hangout.
I saw them hanging all day.
Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.
The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.
Good Morning Everyone! Have a good day!
What month of the year has 28 days?
Answer: All of them.