Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He only took a day off.
Your mama is so fat.
She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.
I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.
My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.
It was really heavy on me.
So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"
"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"
"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"
I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"
I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.
He never came back the next day, says the local news.
One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"
Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!
Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.
My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.
She said help, so I kicked her.
