Dais jokes

If you're having a bad day, just slap an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

Your hairline is so far back that you have four faces to wash every day.

Guy: Are you tired?

His “Crush”: No.

Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?

His “Crush”: That’s sweet.

Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.

I don't see why people say that emo kids don't like to hangout.

I saw them hanging all day.

"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"

"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!

Why do orphans only have 363 days in the year?

Because they don’t have a Mother's nor Father’s Day.

Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

He only took a day off.

I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!